Suck It Up, Bitch

I took a hiatus from writing this blog, because I finally had a D&C about 2 weeks ago. My miscarriage was not ending, and I had developed an infection, and my OB/GYN said "Enough already!" So even though it was somewhat anticlimactic to go in for a D&C after already enduring the pain of the miscarriage, I did so. And after I finished, I didn't want to think about the miscarriage, or write about it, for a while. For 6 weeks, my entire life had revolved around the miscarriage and I just wanted to take a break from it. But now I am back, and I have something I need to tell you.

This is true whether you've had a miscarriage already, or are going though one now.

There are a lot of people out there who aren't going to care that you lost your child.

Now, I realize that in saying this, I run the risk of sounding bitter or cruel or mean. But it is going to happen, and it's better that you hear it from me. I'm not pointing any fingers, or trying to call people out. I'm just saying, some people really could care less. This is not like Joan at Eye-Vee, who used my miscarriage as an excuse to get me fired. This is more like my co-workers at Eye-Vee, the nice ones I lunched with and thought I was work-friendly with, who sat around their cubicles one evening telling all the pregnancy jokes they could think of. While I was sitting there actually going through the process of my miscarriage. Dragging myself to work and sitting there on a super absorbent maxipad and trying to put one foot in front of the other.

You see? Some people are just completely and utterly self-absorbed, to the point of being absentmindedly cruel.

It's kind of like that story Janet Gaynor told about one of her co-stars--I think it was Henry Fonda. As they watched the rushes of one of their films together, she asked him for his opinion on how well she performed in a scene. "Honestly, Janet, I can't tell you," he replied. "I was too busy watching myself."

So many people are so busy watching themselves that they don't care. The cameras never shut off, the crew never goes home, they continue role playing even after the rest of us have gone home and put ourselves to bed.

So if the pregnancy jokes seemed in bad taste to me, I must admit to myself that my coworkers weren't bad people, just completely forgetful of the fact that they were joking about the very thing I was losing at that moment. Motherhood. Pregnancy. It was literally draining away from me as they cracked joke after joke.

There are people out there who feel you should get over it already. Period.

This was recently brought home to me by someone I was working with on a side project. It's my project, and I brought her in because she is highly knowledgable and energetic. The day of my D&C, she sent me emails trying to urge me to get back to work. I asked her to give me the weekend. When the weekend was over, I got more emails about getting back to work. And while I appreciated her hustle, I was also drained of all energy and badly in need of more than a weekend to recover.

A week later, we had a disagreement about the project and she blew up at me. Threatened to go home and take her toys with her. Told me I was sending red flags her way. All the while, I was telling myself that this was my project and I could take as long as I damn well pleased to finish it, especially a week after a D&C, and as the creator of the project, I also had the right to disagree with her professionally, without having a shouting match.

It took several emails and she finally cooled down. But you know what? Throughout our "discussion," I had to be the calm one. I had to be the voice of reason. If ever I had an oppotunity--nay, the divine right--to throw a temper tantrum, I think it was at that moment. And yet, I had to be the grown up. And why? Because some people are so wrapped up in their own worlds that they cannot halt the drama long enough to extend a helpful or loving hand.

So I am telling you this from cold, hard experience. It's not pretty and it's not right, but it is true. Some people don't care what you've just been through. It might not even register on their radars. So how you deal with this is up to you. In the interest of fairness, I have to say that many people--in fact most--have been kind and thoughtful and helpful. Which makes the few who aren't really stand out.