I haven't posted in a week or two and there's a very good reason for that. Despite the fact that I did have the miscarriage, I ended up having a D&C yesterday. Put simply, the miscarriage process never ended and I developed an infection. So, as anticlimactic as it seems, going through the D&C yesterday was actually a good thing.
For one thing, I feel better physically. The infection could have been worse, but there is no way an infection will make you feel better. Between the fever, the chills, and the body aches, I had no energy for writing. Instead, I began watching every episode of '30 Rock' Netflix could supply. This is not like me. Usually a goal-oriented person, I would set a goal of watching 3 episodes in a row. Yep, that's me when I am sick.
For another, it's good to know that there's nothing more to do. The question is now moot. I am no longer pregnant. I am no longer in the process of losing my pregnancy. For the first time in almost 6 weeks, I am no longer bleeding. It's an amazingly liberating feeling, as though I can finally begin the process of getting over the loss.
I'll write more about what you can expect during a D&C next week, when I am not as groggy from painkillers and just the process of getting over the surgery. You should know that it's much less painful than miscarriage itself. And you get free drugs. And cable TV in your day surgery room.
Until next week...
Friday, October 21, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Beta Levels and Celebrity Dreams
This week I had my blood drawn again to see if my beta levels had gone down enough. Anything above 4000 and I was a candidate for a D&C--even though technically I have already had the miscarriage. Well, for once, my body did something right. My beta levels were down to 600. No D&C. I have to say, I am thankful for that. I really wasn't looking forward to going to the hospital again. I have to go back in 2 weeks for another blood test, and my arms are so bruised and sore. Does anyone know a good cure for bruising? Just thought I would ask.
This week I had a very vivid celebrity dream. I have celebrity dreams a few times a month. Here's what you need to know about them: the celebrity is always someone who's passed, and usually someone from the 1920s-1940s. Given my work, that's not surprising. I have hung out with Paul Muni, Janet Gaynor, Charles Farrell, and Zelda Fitzgerald, to name a few. Billie Holiday came to sing to me once when I was sick. She touched my forehead, and I felt the imprint of her finger for a week.
This week's celebrity dream was weird because I hung out with Michael Jackson. Not someone from the Jazz Age. I remember he offered me a veil and I told him no thanks. Then we went to Kroger because he wanted a certain type of pasta salad. It was exhausting being part of his entourage. People crowded around us wherever we went.
In Kroger, a feral cat had gotten loose, and some snot-nosed teenager was dragging him out by the tail. Furious, I went up to the kid and yelled, "If I ever see you treat a cat like that again, I will kick your ass. Do you hear me?"
"No, say it again," he smirked.
"OK, let me put it this way. If I see you treat any animal in that way again, I will put my foot up your ass. And then I will turn it from side to side so my foot is actually f***ing your ass. Do you hear me now?"
And then I woke up. But I remember MJ was appalled at my language.
What does this dream mean? I don't know, but it felt empowering. Maybe Brandi Boyd can tell me. She began dream interpretation when we were in school together. Brandi, if you are reading this and you have a thought or two, leave it in the comments. :)
This week I had a very vivid celebrity dream. I have celebrity dreams a few times a month. Here's what you need to know about them: the celebrity is always someone who's passed, and usually someone from the 1920s-1940s. Given my work, that's not surprising. I have hung out with Paul Muni, Janet Gaynor, Charles Farrell, and Zelda Fitzgerald, to name a few. Billie Holiday came to sing to me once when I was sick. She touched my forehead, and I felt the imprint of her finger for a week.
This week's celebrity dream was weird because I hung out with Michael Jackson. Not someone from the Jazz Age. I remember he offered me a veil and I told him no thanks. Then we went to Kroger because he wanted a certain type of pasta salad. It was exhausting being part of his entourage. People crowded around us wherever we went.
In Kroger, a feral cat had gotten loose, and some snot-nosed teenager was dragging him out by the tail. Furious, I went up to the kid and yelled, "If I ever see you treat a cat like that again, I will kick your ass. Do you hear me?"
"No, say it again," he smirked.
"OK, let me put it this way. If I see you treat any animal in that way again, I will put my foot up your ass. And then I will turn it from side to side so my foot is actually f***ing your ass. Do you hear me now?"
And then I woke up. But I remember MJ was appalled at my language.
What does this dream mean? I don't know, but it felt empowering. Maybe Brandi Boyd can tell me. She began dream interpretation when we were in school together. Brandi, if you are reading this and you have a thought or two, leave it in the comments. :)
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
5 Websites That Will Help You Stay On Track
After miscarriage, your body still goes through the same hormonal changes that you would had you delivered a child to term. And this transformation is made more difficult by the fact that you have just lost a child. So it's not at all uncommon for women to suffer from post-partum depression after having a miscarriage.
I had a terrible time with post-partum depression after Olivia's birth. When I was unable to successfully breastfeed, after several consultations with every expert known to womankind, I became suicidal. My OB/GYN, Dr. Kimberly Udell, was an absolute brick for me during that time. When I went in for one of my post-partum checkups, she insisted on me stopping all attempts to breastfeed at once. When I refused, she wrote her order down on a prescription notepad and forced it into my hand. Then, she wrote out another prescription--for lexapro, an anti-depressant. And finally, she got right into my face--I mean, like 2 inches away from me, and yelled "a mommy feeding formula is way better than no mommy at all! Olivia needs a mommy!" Meaning--don't kill yourself because you have to use formula. She literally saved my life that day.
When I knew I was going to miscarry, Dr. Udell and I agreed that I needed a prescription for lexapro without delay. It has helped ease the hormonal surges. I still feel pain and numbness but not in an overwhelming and hopeless way. If you are experiencing depression, I urge you to talk to a physician you trust. They can help you in ways that you cannot help yourself.
This blog is not meant to be a blog about medical advice. If you are suffering from depression--post-partum or otherwise--you need to seek professional help. But if you have trouble staying on track through depression, or need help pulling yourself out of the darkness, there are several websites out there that can help. And these websites can help no matter what you are going through. When I get depressed, there are three key areas of my life that suffer neglect: my home, my finances, and my personal appearance. These websites are great resources if you need help staying on track in these areas. And they are free, too!
Personal Appearance
Sparkpeople--This is a great free resource for losing weight or maintaining your current weight. It offers all the advantages of Weight Watchers and you don't have to pay a dime. You can customize your diet plan, track your calories and exercise, and get online exercise videos for free. There are also several support teams you can join if you need motivation. I joined Sparkpeople and lost about 30 pounds a few years ago.
You Look Fab--Geared toward women's fashion, this blog is a great resource for dressing well for your body type and for your age. Angie is a fashion stylist and has been helping clients for years. If you have a question, she will jump into the forums and offer personalized advice for free. She gave me great advice on what to wear to a book signing one year. And the forums are really positive and supportive too.
Finances
The Simple Dollar--Trent offers solid financial advice for people of all socioeconomic levels. He also lives what he preaches, which is refreshing. If you need help understanding the difference between a Roth IRA and a traditional IRA, this is the place to go.
Dave Ramsey--My husband and I completed Dave's Financial Peace University a year ago and it really changed our lives. FPU isn't free, but a lot of resources are available for free on Dave's website. You can also read his books for free by checking them out at your local library. If you have trouble keeping track of your bills, or have no idea how to draft a budget, Dave will walk you through it step by step.
Housekeeping
Flylady--I've been following the Flylady system of housekeeping since 2001. It really helped me because I am from a German background. If it were up to me, I would never STOP cleaning. Pre-Flylady, I would tear the house apart and really fret over cleaning the baseboards or something equally ridiculous, but wouldn't keep up with the weekly dusting. Her 15-minute principle and daily guides are really helpful for keeping me on track. I also like that she encourages people to start with one simple task--keeping your sink clean--before moving on to other housekeeping routines.
Basically, these sites provide you with a road map of what to do. If you are having trouble getting out of bed, or putting one foot in front of the other, these sites can really help you out. After my miscarriage was officially over, I told my husband, "I just need someone to tell me what to do." These sites can help you manage the basics until you feel well enough to really tackle the minutiae of life again.
I had a terrible time with post-partum depression after Olivia's birth. When I was unable to successfully breastfeed, after several consultations with every expert known to womankind, I became suicidal. My OB/GYN, Dr. Kimberly Udell, was an absolute brick for me during that time. When I went in for one of my post-partum checkups, she insisted on me stopping all attempts to breastfeed at once. When I refused, she wrote her order down on a prescription notepad and forced it into my hand. Then, she wrote out another prescription--for lexapro, an anti-depressant. And finally, she got right into my face--I mean, like 2 inches away from me, and yelled "a mommy feeding formula is way better than no mommy at all! Olivia needs a mommy!" Meaning--don't kill yourself because you have to use formula. She literally saved my life that day.
When I knew I was going to miscarry, Dr. Udell and I agreed that I needed a prescription for lexapro without delay. It has helped ease the hormonal surges. I still feel pain and numbness but not in an overwhelming and hopeless way. If you are experiencing depression, I urge you to talk to a physician you trust. They can help you in ways that you cannot help yourself.
This blog is not meant to be a blog about medical advice. If you are suffering from depression--post-partum or otherwise--you need to seek professional help. But if you have trouble staying on track through depression, or need help pulling yourself out of the darkness, there are several websites out there that can help. And these websites can help no matter what you are going through. When I get depressed, there are three key areas of my life that suffer neglect: my home, my finances, and my personal appearance. These websites are great resources if you need help staying on track in these areas. And they are free, too!
Personal Appearance
Sparkpeople--This is a great free resource for losing weight or maintaining your current weight. It offers all the advantages of Weight Watchers and you don't have to pay a dime. You can customize your diet plan, track your calories and exercise, and get online exercise videos for free. There are also several support teams you can join if you need motivation. I joined Sparkpeople and lost about 30 pounds a few years ago.
You Look Fab--Geared toward women's fashion, this blog is a great resource for dressing well for your body type and for your age. Angie is a fashion stylist and has been helping clients for years. If you have a question, she will jump into the forums and offer personalized advice for free. She gave me great advice on what to wear to a book signing one year. And the forums are really positive and supportive too.
Finances
The Simple Dollar--Trent offers solid financial advice for people of all socioeconomic levels. He also lives what he preaches, which is refreshing. If you need help understanding the difference between a Roth IRA and a traditional IRA, this is the place to go.
Dave Ramsey--My husband and I completed Dave's Financial Peace University a year ago and it really changed our lives. FPU isn't free, but a lot of resources are available for free on Dave's website. You can also read his books for free by checking them out at your local library. If you have trouble keeping track of your bills, or have no idea how to draft a budget, Dave will walk you through it step by step.
Housekeeping
Flylady--I've been following the Flylady system of housekeeping since 2001. It really helped me because I am from a German background. If it were up to me, I would never STOP cleaning. Pre-Flylady, I would tear the house apart and really fret over cleaning the baseboards or something equally ridiculous, but wouldn't keep up with the weekly dusting. Her 15-minute principle and daily guides are really helpful for keeping me on track. I also like that she encourages people to start with one simple task--keeping your sink clean--before moving on to other housekeeping routines.
Basically, these sites provide you with a road map of what to do. If you are having trouble getting out of bed, or putting one foot in front of the other, these sites can really help you out. After my miscarriage was officially over, I told my husband, "I just need someone to tell me what to do." These sites can help you manage the basics until you feel well enough to really tackle the minutiae of life again.
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