The Top Five Things You Should Never Say

I was at the Medical Center of Arlington, getting my pre-op bloodwork done for my D&C. It had been a rough few days and I hadn't eaten a thing before going in for my blood test. A student nurse poked at the vein in the crook of my left arm. "Lookit it, standing up," she told the nurse beside her. "I should hit it here, right?" The older nurse looked over and rubbed my arm with her thumb. "Naw, go a bit higher. But looks like she had blood taken there earlier this week, so expect some clots."

The world began to feel fuzzy, and I began to sweat buckets. "You OK, sweetie?" one nurse said.

"Yes. I'm sorry."

"You gonna faint?"

"No. I've never fainted in my life." Which was true.

They continued to chatter, in an attempt to keep me from passing out, I suppose. One nurse asked, "So, how old is your daughter?"

"She's five."

"Gonna have more?"

"I don't know yet. That's kind of what I'm here for." And with that, I began to free-fall through my consciousness. A million thoughts rushed through my mind: I'm going to throw up; I'm going to die; I don't want to go to work tonight; my God, I am so tired and I want to lay down.

It took 16 ounces of orange juice, a wet washcloth, and about 20 minutes to bring me back to full awareness.

Which brings me to this blog's topic: What Never to Say to a Woman Having a Miscarriage.

I am sure you've heard these too. In fact, I would wager you have some real show-stoppers of insensitivity, rudeness, or complete and utter obliviousness. Here are my top five:

1. It is for the best.

You know, I get it. I understand that the pregnancy wasn't meant to be. From a scientific standpoint or from a spiritual one, I get that this was not a good pregnancy. But unless you are my OB/GYN explaining it to me, or my minister explaining the mysterious workings of God's will, I just don't want to hear it from you. I'm sorry.

2. Are you planning on trying again?

Hmmm. I suppose this is someone's way of checking in, making sure that we aren't so badly cowed by the experience that it's turned us off having kids forever. But it's really no one's business. And while I am in the midst of losing my current baby--let me finish this first, before I decide. Some women can bounce right back and try again. Others may never get over it. But you'll have to give me more than a few days to decide.

3. Did you have to push?

Do you really have the right to know the intimate details of my miscarriage? Does anyone really want to know the answer to this?

4. Nothing.

I have family members who have never acknowledged that we lost the baby. I suppose they are worried about saying the wrong thing. But nothing is worse than hearing nothing. Even the wrong thing, kindly said, means more than silence.

5. Nothing--with a smile.

The only thing that's worse than nothing is hearing nothing...with a smile. At Eye-vee, the place I worked as a proofreader, one of my coworkers was affronted that I missed two days due to my miscarriage. She was sure I was being given preferential treatment. When I returned, she was chewing me out after I refused to do a job I wasn't trained for. When she demanded to know why I didn't go to her for training, I tried to explain how little rapport I felt I had with her, because she was angry about my miscarriage. Joan grinned and then told me this wasn't an "appropriate" response at an "appropriate" time.

I will never forget the grin on her face, a real shit-eating smile that made me realize she really didn't care that I had a miscarriage. In fact, she saw it as a weakness she could use to manipulate me. And the next day I received a call from my temp agency that I was fired. Now I realize there are really people out there who don't give a damn if you lose a baby. And they will actually get the temp with the miscarriage fired because it suits their needs at the moment.

As I move through grief I find myself having to be gracious and understanding and kind to others no matter what they say--when you would expect it to be the other way around. I mean, if I want to have a breakdown at this point in the grocery store, I should--right? And yet I find myself being the strong one as people make gaffes and get me fired.

So tell me, what's the worst thing anyone said to you after your miscarriage?