It Happened to Me

My guest blogger today is Brittany Lee. Brittany and I have been friends for about five years, and she was the first person I told about my miscarriage. She went through a miscarriage about 2 years ago, and agreed to share her story. You can read more about Brittany and her family at http://337leeclan.blogspot.com/.

The hubby and I had only been trying for our second child for a few months (like 3 I think) when I ended up pregnant.  We were thrilled, even more so because the baby’s due date would be April 23, our wedding anniversary.  But from the start of the pregnancy, things were radically different from my previous one.  For one thing, I had NO morning sickness.  I mean NONE.  With my daughter, I was so sick for 12 weeks that I could barely function.  And here I was at 7 weeks pregnant and feeling great, eating great, and only a little tired.   I should have known something was wrong, because pregnancy and me do not mix when it comes to my stomach (with my subsequent pregnancy I was sick for 20 weeks!).   I started to spot at the start of my 7^th week and have mild cramping.  The OB nurse assured me it was normal and to call back if the bleeding got worse.  It didn’t get worse the next day, but I was still spotting so I called back and asked for an ultrasound.  See,  I hadn’t been seen by my OB yet, because they don’t usually see patients until the 8/9^th week of pregnancy.  So, there I went the next day (by myself) for the ultrasound.   The baby was there with a strong heartbeat.  But the tech told me the baby was measuring a little off.  I didn’t care, because there was a heartbeat!  Hooray!  I even got a little picture to bring home.

Fast forward a couple of days… still spotting and then suddenly it changed; bright red blood and lots of it.  I will spare you the details, but for the next couple of days I thought I was in labor.  And really I was.  I lost the baby, and it was definitely one of the worst moments of my life.  I was miserable…physically, emotionally, mentally…so many thoughts going through my mind.  I felt like such a failure, which I am sure so many of us women do when we lose a baby to miscarriage.  Obviously, I knew the scientific reasons for the loss, but deep down I still wondered if there was something I did wrong.  Why did my body reject this baby? 

Thankfully, I was surrounded by some wonderful family and friends who were very supportive.  Almost everyone just let me grieve and cry and be angry without judgment or negative comments.  That is what is most important to someone who has lost a baby.  They just need time to grieve.  It is a death, a close personal (physically painful in some cases) death.   And I wish that people would be more sensitive.  It is not something that you can just get over.  You will never forget it!  And almost three and half years later, I can attest to that.  I have not forgotten that little embryo with the strong heartbeat at 7 weeks.  I keep the sonogram picture in my jewelry box and get it out every now and then and just take a look.  Maybe that is silly, but it is my way of grieving.  And it is my way of remembering that little life inside of me. 

If you're reading this blog, you are probably either going through a miscarriage or just went through one.  For that I am truly sorry.  Give yourself some time.  Eventually the hurt will go away, but you will never forget.  I didn’t and I won’t.

(One final piece of advice:  When you go in for your follow up appointment, please bring someone with you.  I went by myself to the OB/GYN office and it was horrible.  I had to sit there and look at all those pregnant women in the waiting room and try not to have a breakdown. Trust me--bring a loved one with you. You will need the support!)